


my grandma could kick your ass (but i'll still stop you from scamming her anyways)

by wokeboke



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on that one fcuking tumblr post, Berrynose is the scam caller jdsjhjshd, Crack Treated Seriously, Jayfeather is Tired, M/M, Other, Scam caller AU???, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 14:25:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19086880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wokeboke/pseuds/wokeboke
Summary: It's the unlikeliest, least conventional, weirdest of meetings.Somehow, it works.





	my grandma could kick your ass (but i'll still stop you from scamming her anyways)

**Author's Note:**

> don't ask any questions. I don't know why I wrote this either
> 
> [the post that started it all, with a little add-on](https://syverne.tumblr.com/post/185253060434/answered-a-scam-call-today-and-had-the-most)

Jay _loved_ Fridays.

It wasn’t even because Friday was the end of the societal construct called the “work week,” though that _did_ make it all the sweeter. (He also didn’t absolutely loathe his job, which helped in his subversion of societal standards.)

Fridays were his designated day to visit his grandparents—well, now just his grandmother, after his grandfather’s recent passing—regardless, sharing a meal with his grandmother and his siblings felt like resurfacing for air after diving into the depths of the ocean. Anyone who thought they knew Jay would say otherwise, but he loved his family very much.

He’d always felt a little different from his brother and sister, being the youngest of the three by about eleven seconds, and especially now that they had both found spouses, but even as the youngest, he’d always tried to protect his siblings from bullies, from disappointment, from an uncountable number of other things. The sense of unending loyalty he felt also extended to his grandparents, more so after his grandfather passed away, which was why he’d found himself willingly tending to his grandmother’s email, forms, and taxes as of late. Of course, that came with more visits to her place—not that he was complaining, heh.

It was on a usual Friday that he arrived first at his grandmother’s house—no surprise there. Holly was a high school teacher, and she got off later on Fridays thanks to her position as the teacher supervisor for the law society, and although Leo was an elementary school teacher with no after school commitments, he insisted in his hard-headed way on biking there every day, so he would be taking some time to arrive as well. Funny how all three of them had ended up in the public service sector, as Jay himself worked in a library, surrounded daily by his one of his true loves, books.

Fitting, he thought, given what had happened with the woman he’d called his mother for most of his life, but dwelling on the long-gone past would do him no good.

Jay was all settled in, sitting comfortable at the granite counter with his latest choice of read before him, his grandmother knitting in her chair in front of the TV currently playing some kind of nature documentary on wild cats. _These_ were the moments he longed for, the moments of stillness and peace in the world, when he could let his guard down and _live_ —

That is, until the phone rang mere seconds after he’d removed his bookmark.

“I’ll get it,” he called over his shoulder automatically. He didn’t need to raise his voice, as his grandmother still had remarkable hearing for her age.

“Thank you, dear,” she replied faintly as he went to pick up the receiver. He made a noise of affirmation, looking at the caller ID. _Anonymous_ , it said. On one hand, it could be a telemarketer or scammer looking to manipulate his poor grandmother with threats of government consequence. On the other hand, it could just be Leo, having changed his call settings by accident. Again.

Jay decided to pick up. What was the worst that could happen? Besides, he was feeling more amiable than usual today. It didn’t have anything to do with the tall, dark, and mysterious patron at the library who visited him regularly and who also came across as both sweet and suave at the same time, nope. Pushing his glasses up self-consciously even though he knew the other person wouldn’t be able to see him, he pressed the green button and held the receiver up to his ear.

Almost immediately, a slightly garbled voice came through, taking the first greeting.

_“Hello, how are you today?”_

Jay frowned. They didn’t sound very familiar, but he decided to play along just in case. Their voice was deep, not unattractively so, most likely a man. “I’m doing well. You?”

_“Good. I’m calling because your IP address has been compromised. I’ll just need you to get in front of your computer so we can get your account fixed.”_ The voice began to lose its cordiality and take on more of a matter-of-fact tone. Well, he thought grimly, this is how they get you.

“Okay,” he said, sounding out his options. “There is one thing I’m wondering, though.”

_“What?”_

A multitude of scenarios went through Jay’s head, some requiring more forethought than he was currently capable of. In the end, he decided to go with the ‘straightforward-I-caught-you-doing-something-bad’ tone.

“You really couldn’t think of a better lie?”

The other end was silent. Jay stifled his laughter; he got the same reaction from library patrons whenever he had to use it.

“Like, my ‘IP address has been compromised,’” he continued, subtly changing the inflection in his voice to the let the other person know they were being mocked. “How, exactly, does an IP address become ‘compromised’?”

He was met with silence again, and this time, he couldn’t hold in a snort. He played it off as a single cough, though, so the other person wouldn’t think he was being, as the kids said it, ‘pranked’.

He took a deep breath to regain composure. “I was just wondering, is all.”

_“Why did you answer?”_

They sounded very confused now, and Jay wagered this wasn’t on the script. To be fair, this was uncharted territory for him, too.

“What?”

_“If you knew this wasn’t a legitimate call, then why did you answer?”_

It was always a shock to remember that scammers were people too, Jay reflected. This man was probably tired after a long day of unsuccessfully trying to scam people. He felt a pang of empathy, as unwelcome as it was. He should probably end this soon.

“Oh, I just thought I would have some fun at your expense.” He glanced over at his grandmother, but the sound of her needles clacking hadn’t stopped yet.

_“What expense? Talking is no expense to me.”_

“Well, you’re currently not accomplishing your goal,” Jay shot back, wedging the phone between his ear and his shoulder while absentmindedly turning his book over in his hands. Why was he still on the phone, again?

_“My goal?”_

“Your goal of scamming my elderly grandmother,” he deadpanned, at least, as much as you can deadpan while the other person can’t see your face. “You’re not accomplishing that. I’d call that an expense.”

_“Well, can I scam you?”_

Jay blinked in surprise, the book coming to a rest cover-up in his hands. He grasped the phone with his right hand and straightened out his neck.

What?

He must not have heard correctly, he decided. “Did you—did you ask if you can scam _me_?”

_“Yes. Can I scam you?”_

He squinted at nothing in particular, then took his glasses off and folded them neatly on the countertop. “Sure, you can try?”

_“Okay!”_ The voice perked back up, from perplexed to business-like in the span of a single word. It was almost comical. _“You need to get in front of your computer.”_

“Yeah, that’s still a problem. I’m reading a book right now and I really don’t feel like getting up.” It was a lie, the computer was an arms-length away and he hadn’t read a word of his book yet. Who said he couldn’t have a bit of fun, though?

_“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow morning, then.”_

So the guy didn’t even get weekend breaks? “Hold on a second. I don’t even have your name, how will I know it’s you?” This is where you hang up, Jay thought. All in all, it had been a nice split from the weekly routine, but the guy probably had other people still left to scam.

_“Uh…Barry.”_

Jay almost choked on air. What was happening with his life? “Berry? That’s your name? Like, blueberry? Strawberry? Raspberry?”

_“Sure, if that helps you remember me.”_

“Okay, _Berry_ ,” he emphasized, not sure if he was trying to mock this man anymore. “Just letting you know, I might not answer. My grandma definitely won’t.”

The reply was instantaneous. _“You answered today.”_ And, if he was being honest, a little petulant.

“…Touché?” Jay said, because, well, Berry _was_ right. Against his better judgement, he had answered.

_“I’ll call you tomorrow. Have a good day.”_ The line clicked dead, leaving him to clutch it in bewilderment at what had just transpired.

“Pretty sure _I’m_ the one who’s supposed to hang up,” he muttered, turning the receiver off and setting it down on the counter. Tomorrow was Saturday; he had nothing important planned yet.

Was he going to come back, just to receive the stupid call from a stupid scammer?

Well…

“Who was it?” his grandma’s voice floated over from the living room. “You were talking for an awful long while.”

“No one important,” he called back, but judging from how he was already planning on how to get here tomorrow, this was shaping up to be _very_ important. Thank goodness Leo hadn’t been there to witness the exchange. He’d probably bring up Jay’s very empty romantic life, and how he replaced his lack of relationship with random encounters with anyone who could match his wit and was relatively nice.

…Which _was_ true, but Jay would never let him know. Holly would reprimand him for enabling people like that, but she didn’t know, either.

“Screw it,” he murmured, mostly to himself. The exchange had sent a pleasant rush of adrenaline down his back, not that he’d admit it, but maybe this was the small and inconsequential change he needed in his life.

The sound of keys turning in the front lock startled him from his thoughts, and he put the whole experience in the back of his mind for later. He allowed himself a smile.

Right now, he would just enjoy the company of his family around him.

**Author's Note:**

> visit me at @wokeboke on tumblr


End file.
